Just-drinks’ ever-loyal readers may not be aware of this, but when Musty drinks several bottles of Green Fairy Absinthe she acquires the gift of telepathy. And following some particularly vigorous liver-bashing at the start of this month, she was able to hallucinate sufficiently to see into the minds of some of the top figures in the drinks industry.
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Which is how Musty is able to bring you: The New Year’s Resolutions of the Drinks World’s Rich and Powerful for 2003!!
Paul Walsh, Diageo
“I’ve done it! I’ve kicked the evil habit. And got the monkey off my back. I swear, after all the agony of giving up, I will never touch burgers again.”
Philip Bowman, Allied Domecq
“Now we are officially a ‘marketing-led company’ (see corporate soundbite no. 135) I’ve decided we can foist any old crap on a hapless population so long as it has a good slogan. So 2003 will be the year when I test this to the max with my new baby: Wreckless – an alcoholic seawater pre-mix. ‘Turning heads and turning stomachs in cool bars everywhere’. Genius…oh no, wait a minute, didn’t I already use that one with Magma?”
Reuben Rodriguez, Bacardi-Martini
“My resolution this year is devastatingly simple: to turn Bacardi-Martini from a suspicious, inward-looking firm run by paranoid family members into a modern, streamlined, publicly listed company. Easier than giving up smoking! At least, that’s what I told my fellow board members.”
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By GlobalDataGraham Mackay, SAB/Miller
“We’ve had our problems in Europe, but this year I’ve come up with a great way to crack the UK market. People have sometimes voiced gentle criticisms that our flagship brand is ‘piss-weak’ and ‘flavourless’. Well, 2003 is the year when I plan to turn these jibes to our advantage and market the stuff as a cheaper, less alcoholic alternative to tap water, ideal for watering the garden during a hosepipe ban. And check out this slogan for the UK market: ‘An Englishman’s hose is his Castle’.”
Jean-Louis Trocard, Conseil Interprofessionel des Vins de Bordeaux
“Since last year was a total wash-out, I am determined that 2003 will be known as the vintage of the millennium. Hold on…did I use that last year? Hmm, and the year before.”
Patrick Ricard, Pernod Ricard
“Oui, mes amis, the global village is upon us. You ‘ave surely ‘eard about our naughty plans to sell Glenlivet to ze French? Well we will not stop zere! I vow zat by August 2003 ze bars of Edinburgh and Glasgow will be full of pastis. Deep-fried if necessary.”
Douglas Daft, Coca Cola
“Well, if Coke used to be the new religion, 2002 was the year when religion became the new marketing message, with Zam-Zam Cola picking up sales off us in the Middle East as a form of anti-Western protest. But you gotta move fast to stay ahead of the boys at Coke, yes sir! I swear this will be the year when the red and white one gets spiritual, with Oranjewna citrus crush, Papaltise sparkling apple juice and Buddhamilk Sky – a blend of cream and tropical juices. Save up ten ringpulls and get a free ‘path to enlightenment’ key fob thrown in!”
Monsieur A Non, Southern French vigneron
“This year will be different. Instead of producing gallons of substandard wine that nobody wants and then smashing up town centres as a protest, in 2003 I plan to use my energy more cleverly. I will cut out making the wine altogether and just go on a long boozy riot throughout the summer.”
